Managing worry
We all know the feeling of worry. We feel it deeply, even the children's book ‘Mr Worry’ by Roger Hargraves makes light of something we all have an appreciation for.
At the beginning of a new year, there can be new situations, new rules, new people. All of which are not in ours, or our children's control. Depending on our personality type and temperament, this will worry some more than others. The uncertainty can be disconcerting.
Brene Brown talks about this tolerance or intolerance of uncertainty as a contributing factor to anxiety. This anxiety leads us to the options of worry or avoidance. This resonated with me and reminded me of the children I have seen over the years. The ones that refuse to get in the pool or join the dance class, even though they really want to be there. The child who wants to learn but just cant make it into the classroom. I am sure you can call to mind some situations from your own life or that of your childs.
So how does this worry serve us and how do we help our children through it?
Like all feelings we can be in charge of them. When we let the feelings control us, the worry or other feeling is in charge. We have no control and our reasoning is offline. This in itself leads to a powerlessness that can be overwhelming. Especially when young brains are only just developing skills. Our children look to us to help and guide them through the next steps.
Trying to look beyond the reaction and empathise with our child having a tough time, can help us with sitting with the worry. Once our child knows that we are on their side we may be able to stay curious and get to the bottom of what the worry is. Not fixing is hard to do as a parent, but being that loving non judgemental person helps our child to know that we have got them and they can move through it. When we remain curious and open, our children may just be able to release some of their feelings - crying, anger or a meltdown.
The emotions can be big and loud!
How do we get through the next little bit? Check in with how you are feeling and allow some space. Take that breath, splash your face and be with your little person. We want to try and share our calm with them. Notice them, once things are calm then we can come back to how we can help. Our goal is to help our kids know that they can do it. They are amazingly capable and with us by their side, they can stretch themselves.
An older child may be able to tell you what is going on. What the worry is on you may just ask a question, Are you worried about going into the classroom on your own? How can I help you? Helping our children feel like they have a voice and that they can be part of the solution, can move them through to the other side of worry. They can feel a sense of achievement when this happens.
What works for one child may not work for another.
What are useful things that can help move your child along the worry continuum?
Can we increase with preparations? Listing out what could or could not happen - is this helpful to your child? Can we add in a safe big person to help with the transitions? Can we release the pressure to perform, and just allow observation? Can we give your child strategies to use when you aren't with them, on the bus, or in lines in the morning, at recess when they cant find their friends.
Adding in a feeling of safety for our children can help them to address what is going on for them. We can be that voice of reassurance, the helping hand or listening ear so that they can bring
In the moments of our children's distress, remember that you can handle it. Depending on their age will depend on the worry. A baby may become distressed when they cant see you, we can acknowledge and reassure in this situation.
Keeping our concerns about our children's worries in check, remembering that our kids can catch our calm, or catch our worry! The tricky loop of feelings and the mix that is hard to manage as a parent. Sometimes we get it right, often we are working towards improving it for next time. As long as we are showing up for our kids with heart and compassion they will feel seen, heard and valued.