Babies and connection
Is there anything better than a newborn?
As a Mum of older children I can say no, but some of you may not have enjoyed that newborn phase or are still in the thick of it. All emotions and thoughts are ok!!
The sense of wonder, the joy, the smells and the squishiness. Even if it is not your baby we know the delight. We can place ourselves in that room, meeting that new little person for the very first time.
And then…. Reality hits and we have to take that precious bundle home - in a car when there are other cars on the road!! The worry is real, and intense. Our thoughts and feelings in this very early time can be quite intense and it is hard to see that there will be a time when it gets easier.
If you are reading this and are through those very early weeks and months well done!
It is hard work.
Our little ones are very real people though. They are very reliant on us for care and safety, and this can feel big. Taking one day at a time and remembering that we can do it, slowly but surely. That this little one, is a thinking feeling being.
Creating rhythms in our days helps babies to feel safe and secure. When babies feel good then they are able to take direction from us well. If it is food time, sleep time or play time, We gradually get to know what is needed from us and are able to find a flow and a soft routine that works for the whole family.
Talking out loud can help us and them.
Our babies know our voices and can already differentiate between Mum and Dads voices. It is soothing and calming. Talking out loud can also help us to switch on our rational brains. The logical part that can calm down the overwhelmed Mum or Dad brain that is freaking out.
The connections that we have already formed will deepen and the attachment we form with this baby will help them to grow, to feel secure. Our voices can also help soothe them, and reassure them that they are safe and that you have got them.
Are there things that we can do to help us and our little ones feel more connected?
If we pause and truly connect in, talk through what we are doing and how we are managing the next few minutes, does cooperation increase? If we communicate with our babies about being picked up, or the steps required to change a nappy, our baby's distress may decrease.
Self care sounds like a fanciful topic and something that is thrown around. I remember thinking ‘as if there is time to fit this in”. But could we reframe and think about
Take a breath
Simplify what really needs done
Eat some good food.
Focus on getting sleep when you can
But why?
Taking steps to take care of ourselves means that we are more available to our children. That we can embrace connecting with them and feeling the joy that being a parent can be.
Our babies are intuitive, sensitive, aware beings from the very start. Observing them and really taking note of how they are in themselves and how they process the world around them will help us to navigate their needs.
Creating safe calm spaces for our babies to be in means they can feel safe and explore on their terms. It also means that we can escape to the toilet or to grab a cup of tea for a minute and know that our baby is safe.
Touch
Are you a person who loves physical touch? A cuddle, a tickle? A massage? We are all unique in our wants and needs in relation to touch. Babies require touch for their needs to be met. Is all touch the same?
When touch is delivered without attention, babies are able to notice the difference. In this time of all of us being so easily distracted, of our attention being pulled in so many different directions, it can actually be a challenge to have a single focus.
Sense of self?
When we become parents our sense of self is challenged. Our time is not really our own, another person is completely dependent on us. So sharing time does become part of how we manage to get through the days. If nothing has our full attention though is this a good thing? Does this help us create meaningful relationships with our children, our partners?
Connection and communication are closely linked, and in fact connection can be via our voice. If we are intentional in our communication and with our touch, then our children may actually seek us out less (as they grow). The toddler who is clinging to our legs and wanting to be on our hip all the time comes to mind.
At the beginning of creating anything there is often mess, a very basic foundation that is not all that pretty. The beginning of a new life can feel daunting, but we are the gardiners and the creators. If the basis is love, and we surround ourselves with great information, great people aligned with our values then we are creating a solid base on which to build. Each day is a step forward and you are making progress along this pathway.
With the connections that we form, our children learn to trust, and feel safe. Children start to learn to self regulate with the constant serve and return of caregiving. This dance of connection and self regulation takes years to play out. We are playing the long game.