Kids and separation anxiety

Because you care so deeply and love your children so very much we worry. We worry when they cry - it reminds us that there is something not quite right. When this becomes a daily occurrence, at pick up or drop off, or sometimes even when you leave the room we want to know how we can help our little ones. 

Knowing that a level of separation anxiety is normal is reassuring. Checking in with ourselves and how we are feeling is also important. Is your worry warranted? Is there a different alternative? Are you confident in the care your child will receive? Are they safe? If you know that they are safe then we can reassure our children that they will be ok. That the people that will be caring for your little one are loving and empathetic, can help us to be confident when we leave our child.

Why?

There is such a lot going on in those first few years of a child's life, and we as parents, well that roller coaster is speeding up. Going back to work, having another baby, dealing with illness, moving house, managing the family and all that goes along with this. It sounds like a lot! It is a lot. Our little people’s developing brains are looking for safety, and connection. We are their protectors, so in times of change, separating can just be so very hard. 

Unfortunately we cant prevent the distress that children genuinely feel at this time. With time though we may be able to help them manage the intensity and the length of upset. By thinking about your next steps and creating a bit of a process around drop off hopefully your child will start to learn what to expect and teach them other ways of reacting at drop off time. 

Create routines

The age of your child will definitely impact the measures that you are able to implement, the younger the child, we may not be able to reason with them as much. Creating a feeling of safety and helping them to know that you trust the person you are handing off to, being confident and leaving with a loving touch and reassuring I'll be back may be all you can do. 

An older child may be able to practice through play about how they would or could separate from you. There will be a bit of trial and error needed to see what works for you, your child, and your carer. Having some awareness of the feelings that are coming to the surface for you and being aware of our non verbal cues is important. Our children know us well and can read any distress that we are feeling. Focussing on them and helping them to feel safe is our goal.

See them, hear them

Ultimately as humans we seek connection and safety to feel good in our relationships with others. Seperation from a child’s perspective can seem like a threat. Our fight or flight response then kicks in and our reasonable brain is offline. We can't reason with a child going through this, but we can come alongside them and help them to feel seen, to feel heard and then to let them know that they can do this.

When your child is distressed, they are already in an unbalanced position. They need us to soothe at this moment. Lots of hugs and kisses. We can't fix the problem or talk them out of how they are feeling right then. Our compassion and the fact that we are there, day in and day out, loving them is enough. Eventually we will be able to let them know that even though they are anxious or worried, they are still brave enough. This feeling of braveness will get stronger over time and eventually they may not like it but will be able to do it.

Help your kids to know what the process is going to be, to trust you in this process. Try and nudge along until you are all feeling better with where you are at with drop offs.

Practice practice practice

Trial and error will be needed, practice at how to make it easier will help. You may even need to script it out a bit for your child. When I get here, we will say this, then we will do this, then Mum/Dad will say goodbye and I will leave you with Miss Sarah. I will pick you up after music time this afternoon. 

Initially we may need to lend our kids some of our brave! Helping them find some stillness in their bodies to tune in to what is happening. Breathe with them, stay in that moment with them, believe that they can do it. Then guide them through the processes that you have previously discussed. Here are a million kisses just for you. 

These moments of connection don’t mean that our children won't feel sad, and overtime hopefully they will know how to manage the separation themselves. Be patient. Don’t give up.

 When your child is anxious;

“this is big but I know you can do it”

“I get it, you feel worried. Let's take some deep breaths together. “ 

Leave with the reminder of when you will return. 

Trying to fit in some stillness, and relaxation in your day, even just for a few moments, will help your child know that you are there for them. That we can just be in a moment together and connect with our bodies and our minds and not need every moment to be filled with words and noise. This could help increase the connection that you have between you and your little one. 

Safety and connection are key points for our little ones, helping them to know they can do hard things and that we are right there with them, that we will return for them. For us as adults if it all seems too much, then talking it out may help you as well. Finding someone that can listen and reassure you, or if your anxiety is increasing, finding a professional who can help you may also help. 

You have got this.