Resilience and children
“ I have not failed.
I’ve just found 10000 ways that
Won’t work” Thomas Edison
Resilience, what does it mean? Why do our kids need it? and how can we help them to be more resilient? As adults, the older we get, the more ways we find to help build our own resilience. The last few years and a global pandemic comes to mind! What do you think of when you hear the word resilience ?
Resilience is about being able to adapt positively to difficult times and challenges.
It is through challenge and difficulty that our kids are tested. That they can grow skills to work out that they can survive tricky times. But like everything with kids, we have to be caring, supportive and loving in our approach. We don’t want to throw them in the deep end before they are ready. Children all develop at their own pace, and a child's temperament will absolutely affect how they approach challenging situations.
The good news is that the loving and caring environment that you are marinating your kids in helps them to know that they are safe. That they may be able to take risks. Sleep, connection and a predictable routine also help our kids to be resilient. Yay. These are all things that we can achieve.
When times are hard and our kids feel like they can't do something, this is when that grit and perseverance are needed. We start small and as they get better and practice they will become more resilient. Loving caring and safe environments help our kids to stretch themselves.
“If at first you don’t succeed. Try, try, try again.”
William Edward Hickson
We often think of children when we see this quote and it is worthy. Children, especially when they are little, will try again and again, testing the boundaries of the world and surroundings, to see where they are. As they get bigger though, kids don’t want to fail, so they may be less likely to try. With our love and support, knowing that we have got their backs, we can help them to keep trying and to not be afraid of the possible failure. It is learning that the world and we are ok with the potential failure.
Obstacles and resilience.
Our love for our children is immense. They are easy to love, and because we have lived a life that has had ups and downs, success and failure, we want our kids to succeed. To not have to go through some of the messy things we endured. Removing all the obstacles though, means that we remove all the opportunities for growth and learning. It means that our children don’t have the opportunities through the losses, or the failures to practice what it means to get back up again. These emotions run deep in both us and our children and as an adult, we often think we will make it easier by not letting them go through what we went through. But ensuring that they have a safe and soft place to land – us, will help them get through any hardships.
When our kids do fail, when they are very emotional about this how do we help them with this? Be calm, be quiet, be close, when this is our little mantra to ourselves when kids are struggling, it helps us to know where we are going, how we are helping. Sometimes by not doing much of anything is the time when we are helping create the safety our children need in those hard moments.
Calm is contagious.
Big emotions are contagious, so when we have cranky kids, we can become cranky parents! But luckily calm is also contagious. So being a calm place for our kids to land is a good thing. Let them have all their emotions, but be in your bubble of calm, when they need you, you will know. Talking can be very stimulating to an overwhelmed little person, staying close, being quiet and being a reassuring presence may be enough for your little person.
Sit in the storm with our kids
This is SO hard!!
Being ok with our kids upset is one of the hardest parts of parenting. Be kind to yourself and know that we won't get it right all the time. Knowing that we are there, that we love our kids. That they are seen and heard helps them to bounce back.
Helping our kids through the tough moments. Helping them to have a go and stretch themselves when it feels hard is a real challenge.
Acknowledging the feelings;
-this feels hard
-what are you afraid of?
-why are you scared?
Our connection with these beautiful people is strengthened when we can allow these moments. Being with them through the struggle. Praise their effort and try not to let others in the family get in the way of this child’s progress. Remember that each child's age will guide you to what they can and can't do at that moment. It will change as their development progresses.
How can we help?
Help our kids to be part of the solution, along the way allow lots of breaks to play and even do some pretend play around what feels hard. This can help a child process what could happen and it isn’t directly about them.
Building resilience takes time and practice. We won't get it right all the time and neither will our kids. For children and for us there can be some barriers to feeling good all the time. When kids are tired, or stressed, when they are feeling extra emotional, these are the times that they need us to be there for them. To help them out, and be there to lean on.
Softening ourselves, our eyes and our body language. Helping them to know that we are there for them. How can we help?
Can we help them with the calm down process by coming alongside, thinking about the calm down strategies that work for your child. Can we help with grounding themselves, noticing their environment and the things around them through their senses.
Grounding countdown
5 things you can see
4 things you can feel or touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
By refocusing your child, you can help them get off the ‘I can’t’ merry go round and refocus on their surroundings and the things they can see and feel. We can do this as adults too when we are feeling overwhelmed too.
Remember that this is hard! For us as parents, seeing our children struggle, letting them do the hard work, is tricky. Be kind to yourselves. Have compassion for that little person that lives inside of all of us. The job that you are doing as a loving, caring and empathetic parent is everything your child needs. You are amazing and you have got this!