Siblings
Siblings are actually good for us!
This does not mean that being a single child is harmful, more to reassure parents that the fighting and bickering that occurs a lot in our households is normal.
So why does it happen and how can we help?
Siblings are the first people we get to practice on, to learn skills alongside. Negotiating skills, building empathy, sharing, and the ‘what happens if…?’ The feedback is often pretty quick!
The learning can take a bit longer.
The relationship that we have with our siblings is one of the longest that we will have across our lifespan. Coming from similar life experiences and shared memories gives our siblings a unique perspective and understanding that helps us to feel very seen.
Fighting is normal (uggh!) and can happen 8 times an hour! As parents this can be really triggering. Especially if we didn't grow up with siblings close in age to us, or with siblings that fought. In the moment of eruption, or when feelings are heightened, as parents we want to;
Stay calm
Be clear
Show empathy
Our aim is to foster a positive relationship between our children. The push and pull of our own feelings in this is real. Having empathy for our first child who now has to share attention. At the same time having feelings for the second born who will never know that focussed attention. It can be an emotionally strange time for us and for our little ones.
How can we help foster good relationships?
Pause and reflect on our own feelings
Aim for quality connection with each child
Create a unified bonded family with team rules
Knowing when to step in and when to leave them to work it out is a balancing act. Setting up some good rules about what is and isn't ok, could help. Help the kids to know their own boundaries, that you won't step in all of the time. If they are willing to engage then it is up to them to find a way through. Help them to reflect later and work out what was ok and possibly what wasn't.
Can we help them look at it from the other person's perspective, how would they have felt with you doing that? This is a helpful life skill and not all children will develop this at the same time. We are there to guide them, to help them sort through, and this will not be in the moment when emotions are heightened. Reflection is a great tool to have in our tool box, and helps kids to know that we really do see them.
Toddlers and a new baby!
With little children the feelings can be big and loud. When a new baby is in the house feelings are heightened. We are sleep deprived and we are trying to be everything to everyone, including the new Mum who is trying to heal too.
Did you know that it can take a year for a toddler to get used to a new baby in the house! So many changes in this year and the feelings go up and down. Sometimes they can cope and other times it is all too much. Especially as the baby starts to develop and be clever and cute and even take our toys!
When we hear our beautiful toddler yelling;
“Put the baby back” or “ I don't like her!”
It can be hard to remember that this is ego driven and means that your little one is telling you in no uncertain terms that they have some feelings about this new baby.
We do know it is normal for them to feel things but when we mix these emotions with our own and add in some hormones, and a bit of sleep deprivation our words at times do not reflect this. What to do?
Validate ALL feelings!
If we dismiss our toddlers feelings it leaves them feeling unseen and unheard. Even if we have no words, or are upset, lean into that feeling. Allow some time for you and your toddler to come alongside and look at the new baby, or when the baby is asleep, play with them. Give them that extra cuddle.
Our toddlers are often big feelers, and there could be extra tears and whining with no real source of want or need. There could be extra physicality - throwing, hitting, or very loud playing. Notice them.
Really see them and then be there for them. Even if you are feeding the baby, or Dad is cooking dinner, with our words we can connect with them. Notice what they are doing. Can they be included in your task? show you what they have built? help you with dinner? or getting a nappy for the baby? Little things help them to feel seen and heard. To feel valued.
Fostering these loving relationships will continue, it will change, but the love you have for all the children will also grow and intensify. It will still be tricky at times, there may be intense emotions from you and from them.
Breathe, take a moment, slow yourself. Empathise with these beautiful people and help them find a way through.
When the same fight is happening, the same constant bickering, look beneath the behaviour and try and see what your children are asking for. Why can they not hear you? Why do they feel the need to fight? Where can we add in some connection and find a way through for them. How do we help them to notice, to help them come up with a better way?
The slow down and thoughtfulness will help you through. We won't get it right most of the time. Some of the time is good enough and this is what we are aiming for.